We Will Never Be the Same!

My name is Kim Costanza and I, my wife, Amy, and our five children live near Pittsburgh, PA. It is our great joy to testify to the wonderful, powerful, patient and tender workings of God in and through our lives in the past four years. The following is our testimony:

A Little Background

I am the son of a jazz musician, and most of my friends and family worked in or around the music industry. We went to church regularly, but as far as I know, I never heard the Gospel preached. I began playing professionally at the age of fifteen, and was in nightclubs shortly thereafter. Alcohol was readily available, so I began to drink nearly every weekend.

By the time I was in college, my musical career had progressed and so had my involvement in sin. The more I sought pleasure through fulfilling the desires of the flesh, the more it eluded me. In 1984, one of my fellow musicians who had recently been converted, began to share the Gospel with me. At first I laughed…then I listened…then I watched such a transformation of human being that could not help but ask, “Could this be for real?” Nine months later, after more wrestling, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. No more drugs, no more wild living—I was done. And I was free!

Ministry

After I was saved, I stopped all musical activity for five years. God used this time to allow me to grow and to be purified of the sinful activities associated with my past. As this was happening, I saw that music itself was not sinful—it was beautiful and pleasing to God. What a freeing and joyful experience to praise God through voice and instrument as the Psalms declare (Ps. 150). During this time, someone asked me to play a hymn in the church I was attending. I played “Amazing Grace” on my saxophone and for the first time, I played without sin in my heart! What a joy it was. After this, many asked me to play in their churches and within the next six years, I had traveled all over the country playing concerts and had made five recordings of instrumental worship. These recordings were very successful, and the record company that sponsored them sold over 150,000 copies.

By 1998, this music “ministry” was at its peak. I had concerts scheduled all over the United States. In November, I was scheduled to tour the largest churches in Korea and in January was to play a concert with the two best-known Christian musicians in the world who together had sold over 30,000,000 recordings.

In addition, I was seeing success in my business—my employer was considering me as a partner in our insurance firm and had advised me to look into joining a Country Club. We had just moved into a fine home in a “desirable” neighborhood, and our oldest daughter had begun attending the best Christian school in the area. It seemed to me that God was pleased with us, because all of these good things wouldn’t come to us without His blessing. We also were surrounded by many Christians who were affirming our thoughts. However, in my quiet moments, I was concerned that my life didn’t measure up to the challenges of the New Testament. I believed these things, and preached them well—but to say that I was living them—that was another matter.  

Slippery Rock Retreat

In the midst of this all, I was asked to lead the music for a small retreat for men. I agreed out of obligation, but my heart wasn’t in it. God was doing such “big” things these days—the small ones just didn’t have my attention. As God in His mercy would have it, that “small” retreat was to change my life. The speaker was a man named Denny Kenaston, who from my perspective, looked like an Amishman, preached like a Baptist, and worshiped like a Charismatic. While I couldn’t figure out what label to put on him, I knew that God was speaking directly to me through his messages. Denny preached on true revival—and I knew I didn’t have it. Denny preached on the duties of a godly man—and I knew I didn’t measure up. Denny preached on the home—with a radiant wife, obedient children, and a man who led by example with “quiet authority.” Not only did I not have that kind of home, I couldn’t remember if I’d ever even seen one!

I was undone—never, except in the days of my conversion, had I felt such a burden. At one of the breaks, I remember getting alone and telling God that I could not live in my current state. If the claims of this man were real and possible, that I must somehow—by the grace and mercy of God—have them. Otherwise, I asked God to let me die. I had never before, nor since, asked such a thing. Oh, but what a faithful God we serve!

When I returned home Saturday evening, I wasn’t sure how to describe all of this to Amy. But God had that already worked out. Brother Denny was giving the message at our church the next morning....

From Amy’s Perspective

As I look back on our lives four years ago it is quite clear that only God could bring about such a change of heart and direction—not without questions or struggles, but He has proven Himself faithful and true at every crossroad.

I remember very clearly when Kim agreed to play at the Slippery Rock men’s retreat—a small obligation to fulfill in the midst of a big schedule…Aren’t so many things beautifully backward with Jesus?! Well, as Kim mentioned, he was “undone” when he returned from the retreat and somewhat unable to articulate just what was so different about this teaching. However, I would have the opportunity to hear a message by Denny Kenaston as he would be preaching at our church the following morning. Kim was full of anticipation and I was cautiously optimistic. I was not sure what changes were coming but was sensing my own resistance, especially when Kim shared with me a caution Denny had expressed to him concerning his musical pursuits. At that, I wanted to meet the man who had the boldness to challenge the direction of our lives without really knowing my husband. After all, we were Christians. We would straighten this whole thing out in the morning....

“I am a real Christian,” were the first words Denny spoke after some initial greetings and words of thanks.

“Is that so?” I thought. “Well, what are we?!” And then he went on to explain what a real Christian believes, and how a real Christian lives and behaves. None of his words could be disputed; they were all in the Bible. All of my premeditated responses faded away. With all due respect, I felt like Job, placing my hand over my mouth in response to God’s truth. This preacher had the simple answers to many of my inner struggles of trying to balance my Christian life with my social status. I wasn’t supposed to balance them! I was to fall head over heels for the Lord Jesus and let everything else fall into His hands to do with those areas what He pleased. How freeing!!

We had hope as never before for our marriage, for our children, for our spiritual health! It was all in the Bible, but somehow we’d missed it or didn’t think it applied to us. The grace of God allowed us a second chance! I went from, “Who does this man think he is?” to “Why me, Lord? Why have You allowed Kim and me to change our course with our children while they are still so young when many of the other men at the retreat have children in their teens that are already in rebellion? God, You are gracious and I am going to share this message with anyone who will listen!”

Kim again...

As we discussed what was happening, we realized that God was at work in our lives in such a way that we needed to pay very close attention. One thing we were sure of—we had to find out more about these folks from Lancaster. So we did. We ordered their tapes, we visited their churches—we consumed all we could. And we began to see major changes in our life. Here are just a few:

• Raising Our Children
  The first tape series we obtained was “The Godly Home.” We had never been taught proper correction, encouragement etc. My children still talk about the day we had a family meeting and Daddy confessed his errors and discussed the “changes” that were going to take place. And did they! We had three children then, and I never knew what a joy I had been missing. I thought three was all we could handle, but as we applied these principles, we began to see such joy in rearng children that we became open to having more. I would have never thought that I could have five children and be sane, let alone happy. How wrong I was.
  
  
• Work
  Up until now, work was a big part of my identity. All of a sudden, I began to see it as a means to provide for my family and nothing more. Therefore, instead of seeking that partnership, I approached my boss about a “demotion” so that I might work from home. This had never been done in our office before, and he was not receptive. However, I took the matter to prayer, because I truly believed that it was best for my family and that I could actually do a better job of working for my company. Five months later, God opened the door for me to be at home on four of my five workdays. Yes, it was lower pay and I gave up any idea of being a partner. But four years later, I wouldn’t trade a day of it—not one.
  
  
• Homeschooling
  Our oldest daughter was in a Christian school at the time. We were experiencing frustration with her subtle, but evident changes in attitude and were concerned about what she was being exposed to. It wasn’t that the school was bad, nor her teacher. What we realized was that so many parents just like us were leaving the responsibilities of training and discipling their children to the local church and Christian school. As we studied God’s Word, we realized that this was never God’s intention. While I was not in favor with what I thought I knew about homeschooling, I certainly didn’t see good fruit in the direction we were going. So, with Amy’s persistent leading, we set out on the journey of teaching our children at home. From the first year and every year after, we have doubted whether we were capable of going further. And yet, God’s grace has been continually there, giving us strength, hope and peace to press on.
  
  
• Television
  I grew up in a home where the television was on nearly every waking hour. It was a source of education, entertainment and a central part of my life at home. Although the use of TV was greatly reduced in our early Christian years, we still watched an average of an hour of TV per day—more on weekends. In several of the tapes from Charity, men challenged us to avoid the television. This seemed at first, a bit too radical, but as I prayed about it, I began to see what a waste of time it really was. I also saw very clearly how many of my worldly lusts were stirred and inflamed through seemingly innocent programming. So we made the decision that except for news emergencies and well-recommended videos (G or PG rating only), television would no longer be a part of our life. When we do watch a movie, we do it as a family, and try to find things that are profitable for discussion or learning. We have found so much to do with our extra time! And I have really noticed that many of my desires for the world have been greatly reduced because they are not continually being fed.
  
  
• Family Devotions
  As a young Christian, I felt that teaching the Bible was the pastor’s job. I began to hear that it was my job to not only provide the physical needs of my family, but that I was also to provide the spiritual needs as well. I did not think that it was possible for me to give daily teaching to my wife and children, but again, by the grace of God—“what is impossible with man is possible with God.” We are now at a stage where we have daily devotions five of the seven days each week. What a difference it has made for all of us.
  
  
• Change of Vision About the “Teen Years”
  As our family began to change, people began to notice my children. They were a testimony nearly every place we went. People were constantly remarking about what lovely children we had. However, this was almost always followed by the comment: “Wait until they become teenagers!” How discouraging! We were so troubled by this that we took it to God in prayer. While we still do not yet have teenagers, we believe God that He will continue the work He has begun in our lives and that our children will not rebel as teenagers. We have seen enough families in the past five years who can testify to this, and we are holding to God’s promises. We refuse to accept this as a hopeless fate, and we are prayerfully asking God to make those years even better than these.
  
  
• Principles of Modesty and “the Covering”
  One of our first questions that came from the observation of Charity Gospel Fellowship was: “Why do the women cover their heads and dress the way they do?” We were certainly familiar with Amish custom, but was this a biblical practice? If so, was it an expression for everyone? What a study this became. We never studied a subject so thoroughly in all of our Christian years. I cannot say why this was such an important issue to resolve, but I know that it was. After three years, we came to the conclusion that the biblical instructions for a woman to cover her head when she “prays or prophesies” was valid for all of the church—not just for Corinth. So, Amy began to cover her head at these times. By the Grace of God, the wife of our Pastor also agreed with this and began to do the same. I have been surprised at the response from others. While it is obvious that people notice this covering, very few will ask about it — almost as one would react to a wheelchair or a disability. Yet, in the scores of churches I have visited I have never seen another church where this is practiced. At this point, these two women are the only ones in our fellowship who observe this instruction. We are prayerfully hoping that God will give grace and understanding to the other women in our fellowship, and that this will bring us together, not tear us apart.
  
  In addition, Amy began to change the way she dressed and the way the children dressed. While we felt much more freedom than some in this area, the principle was clear in the scriptures, and it brought a new freedom to our home. I have seen the power of God so dramatically change my wife by the obedience to scripture. She has walked by faith in these areas and God has blessed us richly by her obedience.

From Amy’s Perspective…

I would have told you, prior to listening to some teaching about modesty from some our brothers and sisters at Charity, that I dressed very modestly—nothing revealing, but of course you want to accentuate the positive. Then I was asked to consider something that I had never considered—these were my brothers and sisters in the Lord Jesus. Would I ever want to cause my brother to stumble or to encourage turning my brother’s eyes away from one of my sisters? Heaven forbid! Again, such a simple yet profound teaching with great freedoms and blessings!

The covering was a “big one” for me. I had actually questioned this practice about 13 years ago and then again shortly after meeting Denny, but was always assured that it was a cultural application in the time and place of Corinth. But why did all of the women who worshiped where the most solid Bible teaching I had ever heard preached wear this covering? By God’s grace, we were now in a church where the pastor and his wife had conviction in this area but had never resolved it. So, as Kim said, we studied and prayed and discussed until the answer became rather clear.

I can’t say it was the answer I was hoping for, but I can say I only wanted to do the right thing before the Lord. If it is important to Him, it is important to me, whether I fully understand it or not. It was quite awkward at first—this unspoken issue with everyone I would talk to in our church at that time. They knew it was there—I certainly was aware of it, but no one said a word. I felt like the Cat in the Hat! Occasionally something would get back to us about someone’s concerns regarding the “direction” the church was going. (Were we becoming a Mennonite church?!) But our church ended up going in a completely unforeseen direction and many of those who were “concerned” no longer are in the same fellowship.

I would never bring this issue up unless asked, as I remember so vividly my own struggles with this practice. I still wrestle with the total application of the covering, but, as the scriptures are clear, when I am praying or prophesying, my head is covered. We must always respond to our conscience and the Holy Spirit’s prompting and then step in faith. And really, what is a minor awkwardness on this earth compared to pleasing our Lord in heaven?!

Involvement in the Local Church

Kim Again...

Because I was traveling so much in music ministry, I never got too involved in the local church. But as these changes occurred, I began to get more concerned about how we would find like-minded people to fellowship with. Due to my change in work, we began praying about moving to a more economical area to live. It took two years and many prayers, but God provided a wonderful home for us in a rural area — and He cut our mortgage in half! One of the unique features of our new home was a living room that was 24’ x 30’. We jokingly said, “We could have a church service in here,” when we saw it. Little did we know what God had in store. Within 6 months, we found a church where the Pastor was an excellent teacher and also like-minded with where God had been leading us. He and I began to pray that God would bring revival to our hearts and the church. As he began to preach more boldly about prayer and other issues, it became clear to him that the elders of the church were in disagreement with where he was headed.

For months he tried to resolve these differences, and all the while, we prayed every week that God would make His will known. In December of 2000, while I was in Italy on a mission trip, I got an e-mail that our Pastor had resigned. I didn’t know what to do. I sought the counsel of the missionary I was staying with and we prayed. I asked this missionary if it was possible that God had a different work in our area, and maybe we should start a new church. While he confirmed the possibility, he cautioned me not to contact any people and not to hold any meetings during normal church hours—this was to prevent any divisiveness on our part. If God were at work, He would build the fellowship. So I contacted the pastor and shared the idea. We agreed that the next Sunday, Christmas Eve, we would open our home to praise and thank God for what He had done for us. We called no one, but for those who asked, we did make the meeting known. On Christmas Eve, we had seventy people show up at our home! I didn’t know it at the time, but a new church was born that day. In three months, we were 80 people and too large to keep meeting in our home. In six months, we were over 100, meeting in a fire hall reception room, and spiritually speaking, having the time of our lives. God is continuing to bless this church with much love, unity and sound teaching.

With all of this, I must be very clear that there have been, and continue to be, many struggles. In our search of the Scriptures, we have found dynamic tensions that can balance truth—but make applications sometimes difficult. We know that above all things, the Scripture must be our guide, and that we must not sin against our conscience. Therefore, I would like to highlight some areas where we are continuing to seek God for growth and clarity.

The Romans 7:7 Predicament

I am not sure I understood what Paul was saying in verses 7-25 until I began to address some of these areas of life. While I recognize that Paul was referring to the OT Law here, there were specific New Testament directives that had the same effect. I can so easily replace “covet” in that verse with other things. Take the principle of modest dress for example: As we became more aware of this, all of a sudden, my eyes were seeing immodesty everywhere! The instruction that was to bring freedom to me was bringing condemnation and death because of my sin. For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with this—why was there a bigger problem here than before? However, through prayer and study, I saw that there were areas of my flesh that had to be put to death before I could have victory. There was nothing wrong with the instruction—it was holy and good—yet of itself, it could not bring victory. I have found such a greater understanding through these struggles—and this pattern seems to be true with almost every area in which a person begins to apply New Testament instructions to life. Prayer, fasting—you name it. If one wants to take the course of holiness, I think he will at some point travel through the Romans 7 crossing. Truthfully, we must put the flesh to death every day if we are to hope to walk this narrow road.

Specific Applications of Scripture in a Local Context

As an elder in this new church, it is an awesome responsibility before God to lead and guide correctly. It is so critical not to bind another’s conscience beyond Scripture. However, it is also important not to ignore areas that are difficult. So many of these areas (while seemingly outward in application) are issues of the heart, and while we might be able to reproduce a church that looks like other churches, we are most concerned that the hearts of people are desiring to please God. “O how I love Thy Law” should be our cry. Issues of outward appearance are always easier if we set standards for people (How long should the dress be?; how much hair should be covered?; etc.). However, if the standard goes beyond Scripture, we are not leading properly. I remember Mose Stoltzfus speaking on this subject and cautioning that people want a standard so that the conscience doesn’t need exercised—but this isn’t the way of the New Covenant. So we preach the principle and pray that God will bring the standards as He wants them.

The Danger of Phariseeism

It is truly amazing to me that not long after all these good things began happening in our lives, we suddenly began noticing the lacking in others. Subtle thoughts began creeping in and we were tempted to be critical or judgmental. How foolish! Wasn’t it the grace of God that was gentle with us? We had accomplished nothing of ourselves. How could we judge another? Yet, we began to realize that this was an inherent danger in seeking a higher standard—there would always be the temptation for self-righteousness and judgment of others. We are learning to be very careful with this one.

True Revival vs. an Outward Improvement

There are many days when the “outside of the cup” looks a whole lot better than the inside. We must be so careful not to take any refuge in what appears to be happening, what others think they see, or what seems to be going well. We must strive for a “broken and contrite” spirit and an attitude of poverty and humility. We know our hearts and they are still deceitful, and can offer comfort when there should be none. We desperately need God’s grace everyday, for “unless the Lord builds the house,” we labor in vain.

Insulation vs. Isolation

As we try to live a holy life, pleasing to God, there is a temptation to “come out and be separate” in a way that God never intended. Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost, and if we huddle in and protect ourselves from the world, we will miss one of our greatest purposes for remaining on earth. We desire to be light and salt by how we live, and we don’t want to put that light under a bushel. This is a tension that we face every day, as we are to be in the world, but not of it.

Finally, as we look back and look forward, what we see in both directions is the faithfulness of God. How we thank Him for this. He is gentle, patient and kind—too much so to leave us where we are. I know that He won’t let us stay in the current state for long—always onward and upward. It is our prayer that God would revive and refresh His people. He has begun that in our lives.

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